Revealing everything that is wrong with the set up, the show is gaining attention for all the wrong reasons and is a peep into the underbelly of the process of an arranged marriage. Read on.. (spoiler alert)
To the modern liberal, who has embraced conversations around pronouns and polyamory, the very concept of a wedding matchmaker might sound out of place, shocking or even absurd. Add to it the many -isms that the process might give a nod to, and the practice borders being regressive and in need of reforms.
Clearly, this is an amazing recipe for a reality TV show. Netflix’s “Indian Matchmaking” cashes in on this double edged sword. While exposing the deep rooted patriarchy of the Indian family, it also underlines the prejudices that continue to govern the idea of matchmaking. And for anyone in the audience who lives in a bubble of a modern, liberal society, it’s also a humbling does of, well, reality.
First and foremost, this show is NOT a fair representation of India. Both the matchmaker and her clientele, boast of certain class. Everyone seems to know their brands, many of the clients are NRIs and exhibit a lifestyle that is inaccessible, or at best, aspirational, to the average Indian. Which made me wonder— if THIS is what an aspirational lifestyle is made of, where is the hope?
As an Indian, I knows many couples who’ve had their marriage “arranged” through a professional service of a matchmaker. From what I can make of them, many of them have gone on to have a good life with their partner, who they barely knew before they got engaged. So it’s not like the whole thing is a sham. Some studies show about 70% of the marriages in india are arranged by the parents of the couple. That statistic didn’t happen overnight and wouldn’t exist if their failure was so obvious. Arranged marriages even today, are commonplace, normal and as some families would pride in saying, the traditional thing to do.
So it isn’t a surprise that matchmaking has become an industry. At face value, it’s not such a bad thing , is it? A professional agency that has a database of prospects that they match and propose a meeting sure sounds like a harmless family dating service, right? If only!
I wish the process had the innocence, charm or even the emotional vulnerability of a dating service. Instead, the checkboxes, are crude, rude and dismissive at many levels. The algorithm (a glorified term for what is usually a subjective game of match the following) is insensitive and wants to reinforce stereotypes — the many said and unsaid filters range from superficial to judgmental. Unfortunately, even those negative words are euphemistic.
“So the first wife of this man, was she Indian, or American?”, asks the father of a woman, an American Indian, who is herself taking a second shot at matrimony.
“She was American.”, clarifies the matchmaker who has already told her client that she will have ‘less choices’ because she is a divorcee.
“Aha!”, claims the father. The daughter is clearly embarrassed but not shocked at his reaction.
To me this sequence summarized so much that is wrong with what has been normalized as part of this ‘harmless’ process. There are many such telling examples in the show that offer a peep into the dark secrets camouflaged by the grandeur of the event, in the pretext of good intentions.
Marriage is everyone’s business
I am all for referrals. God knows there some people that need an introduction to stand any chance (such as me), but must it be anything beyond that?
In the show, a concerned mother makes it a point to bring up her rising blood pressure as a reason why the son must get married. And while she’s been the subject of many memes, some even calling her the villain of the show, I know she is just one of the MANY tens of thousands of “caring” mothers that rush their kids to marriage. It doesn’t help that in the son in this case, wants turns to his mother, when the matchmaker asks her, “what are your preferences?” To each his own, but we all know how any game of Chinese whispers ends.
Wedding is a milestone, but a marriage is an institution. And while you can use all sorts of calendars to find an ‘auspicious’ date and time to exchange garlands, the ultimate success of the couple depends many other factors. Emotional, and dare I say, physical compatibility, which the set up of an arranged marriage probably shuns to even consider.
Think about it - you are not going to ask a person who you met through an uncle or aunt which side of the bed they like to sleep on, among other things.
The paraphernalia
The show also reveals how the wedding matchmaker business is hardly a one-person show — in fact it is an ensemble cast that comes together (to mostly tell “difficult” clients how to “compromise”.) The value each partner adds to the process takes both the show to new levels of unintended comedy.
“Adjustment, compromise and patience are the foundation of a marriage.”, stresses the matchmaker, while discussing how it is “difficult” to find a partner for this successful, confident, bright girl from Delhi, who admits to having been a victim of body shaming. It must be big deal to have to overcome it and now be able to talk about it along on a TV show. To advise that such a person needs to see a “life coach” because she had strong likes (and not preferences), infuriated me. The girl has everything going for her, and yet the matchmaker thought she needed be coached. She was passed on to another associate, who handles “such cases” apparently.
In another instance, an astrologer was summoned to the rescue(?). He eloquently laid out a range of opinions from the right time (he had it down to the date) to a gemstone that could help this client — a lawyer, who had most of the audience confused with her introduction — said she spent most of her life abroad and so preferred who had a similar background before adding, “..but we are Sindhis, so I prefer someone who is from North India.” I don’t know how a date or a gemstone can help sort through priorities? To her credit, she came across like a strong minded woman, vocal and honest about her dislikes and seemed to take the process in her stride, without any pressure. But who are we tell her that stars need to align for her to have any luck finding a partner?
My favorite was the face reader. He seemed to be like the matchmaker’s another agony aunt whom she would consult with for all her ‘problem children’ (read clients with opinions who rejected a handful of bio-datas). He was the most relatable, because he was basically like swiping right or left for the family based on pictures. “Her attitude is not right”, he said looking at a picture. Hmmm… where have I heard that before.
The clientele and the agency
The show features clients who were rich by birth or by their own achievements. The only person from humble background was perhaps the school teacher from Texas, who would still count as way above the average Indian. Some of them were raised in India, and others, abroad. Yet the common factor in all of them was that agreed to be part of the process.
Other than the entrepreneur from Delhi, who called it out and said it was not meant for her, the rest of the clients showed more faith in the process than their own ability to find a life partner. Does this stem from a lack of confidence or from what they perceive is the traditional, right thing to do? Whatever the case may be, no one should let the process propagate misogyny and gender stereotypes. Why did a divorcee (and her father) tolerate the attitude of the matchmaker who told them very matter of factly that she would have less options? Why did the son not react when the mother said, “The girl needs to follow the rules of my household”. Why did no object to including a face reader in the process?
The matchmaker (and her supporting cast of astrologers, face readers and so on..) go on conducting their business with such confidence. They thrive on stereotypes and even superstitions to enrich their business and ultimately blame the stars for things that don’t align to their satisfaction. Not only are they not questioned, they are clearly in demand. As organized as the business is, they are not governed or monitored for what they promote. For a nation that only recently “renamed” (and not banned) a skin fairness product, it should seem like a natural extension that matrimonial agencies propagate gender stereotypes. And like in every case of the skin fairness products, the buck stops at the consumers, who continue to seek the service.
Perhaps I am the bad guy here, for feeling good that that no one found a match through THIS show. They are all bright people and deserve their time and space to find a partner.
Let that guy with a lovely closet continue to explore his options. Let the heir of the jeweler find a partner he thinks will be the best reflection of his mom (if thats what he wants). Let the school teacher cash in on all the online love that he is unequivocally receiving on social media. All I hope, is that they go on about their searches through a more liberal, open minded process, even if it was through a matchmaker.
The show reminded me of a line from a Tamil song that roughly translates to:
Love is mostly blind, but a marriage has four eyes!
Or forty, in case of an arranged marriage. Or even more. Each bringing their biases, prejudices, and judgements into the process. The third parties and the free hand they have been allowed to have in shaping a couple’s destiny, sadly cast a shadow much bigger than the marriage itself. It sets a precedent, reeks of patriarchy and undermines the role of what should be is the very foundations of marriage — the couple.
No relationship comes with a guarantee card. No marriage is good or bad because it started with love or an arrangement. But why make the process of finding a life partner, as evident in the Netflix’s show “Indian Matchmaking”, a regressive reality at worst, and cringe-tertainment, at best.